1. Non-Scots asking how you voted in the referendum even though you know they don’t actually care.
2. People screeching the phrase “Och aye the noo!” when they find out you’re Scottish.
3. English shopkeepers refusing to accept Scottish banknotes.
4. English shopkeepers calmly accepting your Scottish banknote, depriving you of the chance to grumble and lecture them about legal tender.
5. Wanting to go to a pantomime that doesn’t star The Krankies and being unable to find one.
6. Having to pretend to like John Barrowman just because he’s technically Scottish.
7. When forecasters announce: “It’s going to be a scorcher tomorrow!” and it turns out they just meant in London and it’s snowing and you bought a bikini for no reason.
8. “Oh my gawd, I just love your accent. Say something Scottish.”
9. Being mistaken for an English person when you’re on holiday.
10. Being mistaken for a Welsh person at any time.
11. “My cousin’s daughter’s friend lives in Scotland, do you know her?”
12. People referring to kilts as skirts.
13. People referring to skirts as kilts.
14. When someone asks you if you want a Tunnock’s Teacake and you say yes only to find it’s actually one of those shit generic ones with jam inside.
15. Being called “Scotch” instead of Scottish. You’re not a bloody drink.
16. Visitors complaining about the weather.
17. The weather.
18. “Scotland? Is that in England?”
19. Non-Scots making knowing, smug comments about battered Mars bars.
20. Being asked what a Scotsman has under his kilt. Newsflash: It’s a penis.
21. Comedians who do gratingly shit impressions of Scottish accents.
22. “OMG you’re Scottish? So am I.” “What part of Scotland are you from?” “Denver.”
23. When Siri refuses to understand a single word you say because she’s racist.
24. When you spend a fortune on fancy suncream but get burned anyway.
25. When you do manage to get a slight tan but it fades before you can actually show it to anyone.
26. That one elderly relative who always gives you the same pipe band CD for Christmas.
27. When you massively misjudge the weather in May and end up boiling in your winter coat.
28. When you massively misjudge the weather in September and die of exposure in a light jacket.
29. When bands announce a UK tour but there are no dates in Scotland.
30. Or when they do come to Scotland and bellow “HELLO MANCHESTER” (cheers, Zayn).
31. Attempting to park at any tourist attraction in Scotland and finding the car park jammed to the brim with fucking Rabbie’s tour buses.
32. The fact that Greggs discontinued macaroni pies. How very dare they?
33. “You’re not allowed to use ITV Player. Please stream the identical programme from the identical STV site instead because reasons.”
34. When you meet football fans from outside Scotland and they ask if you support Rangers or Celtic as if there are no other options available.
35. And people asking which English Premier League team you support, because apparently the SPFL is not an actual thing.
36. “All my money goes up north to pay for the Jocks’ free prescriptions and free university education.”
37. When people use the words “England”, “Great Britain”, and “United Kingdom” as if they’re the same thing.
38. Irish people turning up at the same party and stealing your Celtic limelight.
39. Being told you’re a “tight-fisted Scot” when you know for a fact you’ve set up at least three charity direct debits while drunk.
40. “Hogmanay? Oh you mean New Year.”
41. Being called ginger even if you are ginger. It’s our word.
42. Being unable to find a foundation that matches your ghostly skin tone.
43. “Edinburrraw. Glasscow.”
44. Endless, boring jokes about “white walkers” and “what it’s like North of the Wall”.
45. Tenement stairs. There should be a rule that any building with more than four floors should also have a lift.
46. People openly mocking your attempts to say words like “Carl” or “Curly-Wurly”.
47. Seeing Irn-Bru spelled “Iron Brew.”
48. Every single nanosecond of every Scotland international football match.
49. Rugby referees.
50. People assuming you voted for the SNP just because you live in Scotland.
51. Other British people asking you what language you’re speaking. Buy some ears.
52. Microsoft Word refusing to accept that “outwith” is a word.
53. Wanting to go outside on a summer’s evening but having to accept that it’s not worth the agonising midge bites.
54. People failing to understand that “can of juice” means pop and bringing you a can of flat, fruity piss instead.
55. Getting on a train and discovering they don’t have any of those little packets of shortbread to go with your overpriced tea.
56. Quiet pubs deciding to close at midnight instead of 1am, forcing you to rush your pint.
57. When your phone autocorrects “aye” to “ate”.
58. Or “nae” to “bae”.
59. Seeing the phrase “Scottish Whiskey” on a menu.
60. Not being able to get a roll and square sausage in England.
61. Not being able to get Irn-Bru with your McDonald’s in England.
62. Not being able to get white pudding in England.